Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
