Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize