so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
