I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
