You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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