I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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