I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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