why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
