True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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