I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Well I just put wine in my tea
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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