I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
