Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
