Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
