He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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