id be glad to
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
