I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
