Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
