I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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