just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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