remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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