my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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