Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
