At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
