I cannot find my penis.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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