If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
