my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize