Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize