he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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