Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
