Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
