I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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