Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
