I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
