don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
