just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
just found out that she named her cat after me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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