my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize