i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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