I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
