I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
