Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize