I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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