woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just had sex on a roof
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
