How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
