I showed him my bush... on skype.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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