I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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