Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize