i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize