I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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