Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
