this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
