listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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