I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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