I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
