I wish my penis had an off switch
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize