You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize