i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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