Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
