I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
