The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
