remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Too much gin, very little bucket
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
