if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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