I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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