I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
