worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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