Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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