Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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