Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
