so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
