I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
