I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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