He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
