Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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