I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize